Bump in the Night - Sci-Fi & Fantasy

The Specter-Hector Ghost Extermination Agency FAQ

Are the grey ladies pacing your halls or the odd moans coming from the attic getting you down this holiday season? Never fear – the Specter-Hector Ghost Extermination Agency has over 200 years of experience in stamping out the most stubborn poltergeists this side of the afterlife.

Q: What exactly is a ghost and why is there one in my house?

Whether you call them doppelgangers, phantoms, wraiths, or spirits, ghosts are the spirits of deceased people who have not moved on to the afterlife for one reason or another. Ghosts can take a variety of forms, from barely detectable “orbs” of light to silent figures dressed in the clothes they died in to noisy and mischievous but relatively harmless poltergeists. No one knows exactly what a ghost is made of or how one is created, but centuries of encounters have shown us that they are generally composed of ectoplasm (a type of supernatural vapor or goo).

There are many reasons why a ghost may have taken up residence in your home. Ghosts often gather around sites where there have been many deaths or burials, including graveyards, battlefields, and sacrificial grounds. Current theory holds that the walls between death and our world are weaker at these places, allowing for the formation of “portals” where ghosts can enter life. Or the ghost may have had a personal connection to your house (ghosts often return to the places they remember most fondly).

Q: How do you detect ghosts?

Our ghost detection equipment is top of the line. Though we often cannot see ghosts directly, we know that they need to draw energy from the living world to manifest themselves, and so look for unusual changes in the environment. When a team of paranormal investigators visits the scene of a potential haunting, we bring electromagnetic field meters to detect magnetic disturbances, thermal and infrared cameras to find “cold spots,” digital recording devices to document strange noises, Geiger counters, ion meters, ultrasonic motion sensors, and infrared sound monitoring equipment to help track down the ghost(s).

Q: Will your extermination techniques harm my house/my pets/me?

In most cases, no. Removal may involve the use of vacuums, priests, holy oil, or bargaining with the specter.

Q: How much experience do you have and what were some of your highest profile exterminations?

Our organization can trace its roots back to the original “Ghost Club” of 1862 in London. This club included such high-profile members as Charles Dickens and Harry Price. Although we like to keep a low profile, we have investigated thousands of cases across America, including the haunting of the Oval Office.

Q: How much does it cost to have a ghost removed?

Prices start at $299 per ghost. Call 1-800-GUL-BGON for more information.

For another take on ghosts and ghost hunting, visit: http://www.livescience.com/strangenews/061027_ghost_hunters.html.

Aliens are perhaps unique among sci-fi/fantasy creatures for being almost as plausible as you or I. Thirty-four percent of Americans believe that UFOs are real – and 1 in 7 believes they have seen one with their own eyes. Here are the three most popular categories of aliens in sci-fi/fantasy; whether or not they exist beyond novels and movies is for you to decide.

Type 1: The Unidentified Flying Object
Often the result of a suspected government cover-up, this is the kind of alien that people in the real world claim to see most often. Strange objects have been spotted in the skis since ancient times, usually described as angels or supernatural omens by civilizations before the invention of the telescope. UFOs became popular in the modern era during WWII with rumors of European “ghost rockets.” While this kind of alien has many possible applications in fiction, it unusually morphs into one of the following two categories as a story progresses.

Type 2: The Green Bobblehead
The term “little green men” (originally, somewhat ironically, used to describe Martians) became popular during the 1950s, after two rural Kentucky men described an encounter with such a being. With their smooth, grey-green skin and oversized eyes and ears, no human can resist the charm of a green bobblehead (or “grey,” in believers’ circles). E.T. is perhaps the most famous example of this kind of alien, though specimens abound in everything from Indiana Jones to Men in Black. More likely to be friendly to humans than UFOs or AIs.

Type 3: The Apocalyptic Invader
The most feared alien incarnation, the apocalyptic invader is also the most common in popular fiction. Though AIs can take many forms – from plant-like (think “Little Shop of Horrors”) to reptilian to humanoid – they usually share some basic traits. Many times, they want to colonize our world for their own uses (either to replace a home planet that has run out of natural resources or as a weapons base for attacking other species), pack substantial firepower, and possess supernatural abilities like above-human strength and the capacity to read minds. Occasionally, however, an AI is deceptively small – something like a deadly bacteria or nanobot.

Reading assignment for the week: War of the Worlds, by H.G. Wells. Just make sure to remember that aliens aren’t really attacking the earth.

Although mummies can be traced back to ancient Egypt, the concept of them as zombie-like monsters is a 20^th century fantasy. Accordingly, this week’s Creature Feature will be presented in a 20^th century format – the celebrity television tell-all interview!

Interviewer: First, let me thank you for traveling all the way from the Valley of the Kings to meet with me today.
Tut: It’s my pleasure. One of the perks of being embalmed for 3,000 years is a resistance to jet lag.
I: Fascinating. I’ve always been interested in the whole embalming process – just the idea of preserving a dead body has always seemed a little strange.
T: It’s really quite simple. After death, priests, with Anubis’s help, remove your organs and place them in canopic jars. They fill your skull with resin, to keep you smelling your best, then dry you out with natron – something like salt – and wrap you in white linen to protect you from the elements. After about 70 days, you are ready for burial.
I: Excuse me for seeming nosy here, but is it true that your brain was removed…?
T: But of course! Everyone knows that the brain serves no useful function in the body. During the embalming process, priests removed my brain through my nose with special hooks.
I: I see…But why go to all that trouble simply to preserve a corpse?
T: Ancient Egyptian culture focused heavily on the afterlife. We believed that if a person’s body was not preserved after death, he or she would be condemned to wander for eternity in the next world.
I: How interesting. Along a similar vein, I’ve heard that Egyptian tombs are pretty elaborate. What use does a mummy have for books and jewels?
T: The objects in a person’s tomb serve two distinct purposes. Funerary literature, called “pyramid texts” for pharaohs and “coffin texts” for everyone else, was designed to help Egyptians pass the trials of admittance to the underworld. “The Book of the Dead” is the most well-known example. Everyday objects, including plates, bowls, combs, and jewelry, were added to tombs so that the dead could use them in the afterlife – which is really quite similar to life before death.
I: So they tax the daylights out of you there, too?
T: …
I: Uh – moving on….As you may be aware, some rumors have sprung up in recent times –
T: Not this again…
I: – about mummies that rise from the grave for revenge or to curse the living. Maybe you can set the record straight.
T: Look, I’ve heard all these outrageous allegations before. It began when some of your archeologists discovered that we had been buried with our mouths open. We just wanted to be able to breathe in the underworld, but you had to go and make up silly legends of mummy monsters. Now I can’t walk past a cinema or a Halloween store without seeing a cruel caricature of myself and my fellow mummies.
I: And the curses?
T: What can I say? People will believe almost anything. It’s only a coincidence that those explorers died after opening my tomb. You have no legal evidence of any wrongdoing on my part!
I: There you have it, folks – straight from the mummy’s mouth. Join us next week for an exciting two part expose: “Big Foot and Lock Ness: A Forbidden Love Revealed.”

In sci-fi/fantasy as in real life, the highest passions of humanity (or any other race) are concentrated in love, politics, and warfare. Few things can excite a reader more than a tactically skillful, hard fought battle between the forces of good and evil. While I am no expert on military strategy, I can give you a few insights on how to write an effective large scale battle from my experiences as a writer and a reader. If there is anything that irks you about mainstream sci-fi/fantasy battles or that you’ve found helpful in your own fighting exploits, please leave a comment!

Tactics
The range of military tactics that have been used throughout history is nearly endless, so I will stick to the basics. In most large-scale battles, the goal is not (as it is usually portrayed in fantasy) to obliterate your enemy; rather, it is to starve, frustrate, evade, or spook him into submission. There is no need to have your protagonist’s army march in a frontal assault against the Dark Guard when an ambush or siege would do just as well with a much lower casualty rate. Now, granted, a month-long wait at the antagonist’s citadel is not nearly as dramatic as the forces of light and dark clashing across a sun-kissed field, but if you are determined to portray a traditional battle in your writing, be prepared to deal with some traditional unpleasantness. Depending on how technologically advanced your characters are, hundreds, thousands, or possibly even more will die. At least half of the dead will be allied with your protagonist, including major or sympathetic characters (spare them and risk breaking your reader’s suspension of disbelief). Your heroes will witness things that sicken them and permanently change them in ways that are not always entirely desirable….

Weapons
Most of the confusion involving weapons in sci-fi/fantasy can be resolved through common sense. Arrows fired into the heart of a raging battle cannot distinguish between friend and foe; this is why the archers of opposing armies traditionally fired at one another before a battle began in earnest. Cannons and catapults, while useful, cannot be reloaded very quickly and are prone to breaking. Guns, if modeled on those in use before the 19th century, are notoriously inaccurate. It is extremely difficult to (squeamish readers skip this part!) cut someone’s head, limb, or mount’s head or limb off in a single blow. In medieval executions, it sometimes took three or four attempts to achieve this end - and that was without all of the confusion of a battlefield.

Contrasts
No matter how ugly or dirty the fighting becomes, it should always be clear which army represents Good (your protagonist’s!). This is trickier in practice than it sounds in principle. Your protagonist’s army must fight valiantly to win the respect of your reader, but it must also fight fairly and mercifully to gain his or her sympathy. If possible, your protagonist should never kill innocents or civilians in battle (even if that stretches believability). He or she should feel some remorse after killing enemy soldiers, especially during his or her first battle.

This week, write a short battle scene that incorporates fantastic elements while maintaining a basis in military reality. Have fun!

The following is an excerpt from A Guide to Dangerous and Enchanting Creatures* (page 174):

Elves

Scientific name: Albus rbhus

Subspecies: Elves can be divided into three distinct subspecies: light-elves, dark-elves (also known as dwarves), and elfs. Light-elves can be traced back furthest in history – they were first described as a race of minor nature and fertility gods in ancient Norse mythology – and it is hypothesized that the other two subspecies evolved from them.

Physical description: Light-elves are closest to humans in appearance, though they are usually described as taller and lighter than the average human, with little to no body hair. Their senses and magical abilities are far above what is typical for humans (some believe that human magic originated through interbreeding with light-elves). Their skin is usually described as very pale and glowing with an inner light, which has led to theories about a connection to the sun or sun gods. Dark-elves are shorter and stockier, measuring slightly below the human average in height. They are famous for their large beards. Elfs are tiny creatures, similar in appearance to fairies. They often have large ears and noses, and may sport wings. The ears of all three subspecies may rise to a slight point at the top.

Habitat: Elves were first discovered in the cold lands of Scandinavia during the Viking Age. Since then, they have migrated throughout Europe, establishing significant populations in Iceland, Germany, England, and the Netherlands. Light-elves and elfs generally settle in natural areas, especially forests, fields, and mountain glades, while dark-elves construct massive fortresses underground.

Behavior: Light-elves are generally peaceful creatures, though they may become dangerous if offended. They enjoy dancing in the woods; it is said that any humans who spot them at this pastime may find themselves enchanted to watch for hundreds of years. Dark elves live and labor underground, and are often skilled blacksmiths and masons. Elfs interact more with humans than their cousins, usually while engaging in mischief. They have been known to create “elf-circles” out of stomped grass or mushrooms, which may cause disease or discomfort in humans who tamper with them. They are often associated with other small mythical creatures, like brownies and nymphs, and are similar in their habits. There has been some controversy over the enslavement of elfs for manual labor (see Santa vs. the North Pole).

In literature: Light and dark-elves became famous in modern times with the publication of Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings series, where they play a prominent role (though he originally intended them to be more gnome-like than traditional Norse elves). Elfs or elf-like creatures have been featured in the Artemis Fowl and Harry Potter series.

 *Which is a publication that only exists for purposes of this post!

In an age when global warming and terrorist threats are so common as to become mundane, it is not surprising that we are increasingly obsessed with disasters. They permeate our science-fiction writing and films: from 2004’s “The Day After Tomorrow” (global warming triggers a massive ice age - how’s that for irony?) to this year’s “The Happening” and beyond. If you want to construct your own “perfect storm,” here are a few basics you should know.

Creating the Perfect Storm

Whether you’re dealing with fire or water, neurotoxins or bacteria, a balance between realism and the fantastic is the key to creating a captivating disaster. A perfect storm can be large or small, localized or world-wide, but it should be (or at least feel) possible - a disaster caused by, say, mass hypnosis by pets given superpowers through catnip would be dismissed by an audience as nonsense or even comedy. At the same time, your disaster should not be predictable. A hurricane by itself is not interesting enough to capture reader or viewer attention because they will already know what to expect. Suspense is crucial.

Information about the exact nature of the disaster should be dispensed conservatively, giving the audience enough to keep them interested and allow them to follow the story without taking away their uncertainty about what will happen next. It’s fine for things to become increasingly dire for the characters in the middle of the disaster (as that category 1 hurricane becomes the size of the continental United States), but they should never be so bad that escape seems impossible. Audiences want your characters to survive because they can picture themselves and their friends in the same situation. They will be unlikely to fully engage with characters they see as “doomed” (this is one of the reasons why having your main character die at the beginning of a novel or film and then doing a flashback of the circumstances that killed them is generally unwise). And speaking of characters…

Disasters: the Human Side

People react very predictably in disasters, yet these reactions are often portrayed inaccurately in movies and books. Most experts agree that men and women in the middle of disasters go through three distinct phases in what is referred to as the “survival arc”: denial, deliberation, and the decisive moment.

In the denial phase, people’s reactions slow. They try to continue with their routines and may show an unusual dedication to procedure as they attempt to cling to normalcy. People in a crashed airplane, for example, may try to find and carry off their stowed luggage. Most of the time, victims remain calm. The riot scenes that are a common fixture of disaster movies and books are unlikely to occur. When fear kicks in, people proceed to the deliberation phase. This is when many of them will begin to panic. Surges of adrenaline can make simple tasks like buckling a life jacket more difficult. Tunnel vision leads to increased focus on details over the “whole picture,” and people may lose their ability to reason. Finally, they reach the decisive moment. Victims of a disaster often become immobilized during this phase - conscious, but paralyzed and unable to move or react. Those who are more self-confident or independent are more likely to be able to make decisions that will increase their odds of survival.

To learn more about the human side of disasters, visit this link. Then rent “Airplane!,” my favorite (spoof of a) disaster movie.

A couple of weeks ago, I read Equal Rites by Terry Pratchett, one of the masters of sci-fi/fantasy parody. Although the book is primarily a lighthearted comedy, its satire of the roles of women in fantasy stuck with me (into the first week of school, when I was forced to make the difficult choice between feigning attention in class and doodling aimlessly on my notebook). Fantasy is a descendant of the traditional fairy tale, in which the “damsel in distress” is an all too common theme And while females have garnered more substantial parts in recent decades, it is rare for a woman to escape the roles of sidekick, vulnerable person in need of protection, or love interest with laughably impractical clothing, especially in mainstream films. Boys coming of age - becoming “men,” and thus supposedly stronger and smarter - is a frequent premise in sci-fi/fantasy, but there is little fanfare (other than the obvious “problems” and increased sexual appeal) when a girl becomes a woman. In fact, a girl often gets more respect.

All this isn’t to say that there haven’t been some steps forward. There are several strong female characters in the Harry Potter series, and many examples of higher level literature that increasingly blurs the meaning and boundaries of gender. But there have also been steps back; the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer comes to mind. Bella, the protagonist, spends most of her time and energy fantasizing over a male character who she stays in a relationship with even though his natural instinct is to kill her. I am sorry, but that shows little regard for female independence and self-respect. And though (being a girl) I am probably somewhat more alert to female-centric issues, I am also struck by the stringent gender guidelines placed on males in fantasy. How many male heroes have you read about that never pick up a sword/light saber/wand - that never physically fight at all? How many that want to pursue activities traditionally reserved for females? How many with a sexual orientation other than “straight”?

I am not saying that every woman in science fiction and fantasy should be a sword-swinging Amazonian warrior and every male should take up flower pressing. But gender in real life spans a wide range, and more than the most stereotypical examples deserve a place in sci-fi/fantasy literature.

For a fantasy series with strong, realistic female (and male) characters, try Tamora Pierce’s Tortall books, which are among my favorite in the genre for teens.

Dear student,

Congratulations on your acceptance to the Akefay Academy of Witchcraft. Since our establishment in 2400 BC in ancient Egypt, we have taught over two million talented boys and girls (with a brief period of inactivity from 1692-1693, during the Salem witch trials). Although we no longer use papyrus scrolls, many of our traditions have been maintained. We still use magic words and wands, for example (but thanks to advances in technology, we now use plastic replicas of animal entrails for help in divination).

At the academy, you will attend six basic magical classes, detailed below:
Divination: This course includes an introduction to palm studies, tea leaf readings, and the use of crystal balls. Such arts have been around for more than five thousand years, beginning with Hindu Astrology (in the case of palm readings) and continuing though the Celtic druids in Britain in 2000 BC (who introduced the crystal ball).
Herbology: Also known as botanical medicine, herbology has been around since prehistoric times and is even popular with non-magical populations (approximately 25% of modern drugs in the United States are derived from plants!). You will learn the uses of everything from mandrake to ginger.
Alchemy: Who doesn’t want to know how to turn common metals into gold or mix up an elixir of eternal life? We will trace the roots of alchemy from ancient Egypt and Greece, where everything was believed to consist of four elements (air, fire, water, and earth), which could be recombined to make new substances. Also covered is the biography of the famous Nicolas Flamel (1330-1418).
Necromancy: The oldest account of necromancy in literature is the voyage of Odysseus to the underworld, around 700 B.C. We’ve had a lot of time to improve our technique since then, and the semester will end with a trip to the Underworld Resort, where we will talk to the shades of ancient heroes and learn clues to the future. Note: actual resurrection of spirits is for advanced students only. Do not attempt unsupervised!
Astronomy: “As above, so below.” Study the location, names, and movement of the planets and stars, and how celestial events can influence terrestrial affairs. Learn the twelve signs of the zodiac, developed in ancient Babylonia.
Potions: We will start with love potions, which have contributed to heartbreak from the time of the 12th century story of Tristan and Iseult (which lead to the legend of King Arthur and Queen Guinevere). Then we will move on to transformative potions, of Jekyll and Hyde fame.

We look forward to seeing you in September. Please remember to bring your own caldrons, wand, and broomstick. Spirit familiars must be kept on a leash at all times. School will be suspended for the week of Halloween and in the case of local witch hunts.

Summer reading: Harry Potter, Ursula LeGuin’s Earthsea, and Terry Pratchett’s Discworld series.

Sure, watching highly trained athletes compete in soccer or gymnastics is fun - but imagine what it would be like if they had magic or jet packs! In honor of the 2008 summer games, here are the top three fictional sports that would, in a perfect world, be part of the Olympic lineup.

Quidditch - Most people reading this blog are probably familiar with quidditch, a sport from J.K. Rowling’s popular Harry Potter series. In case you need to refresh your memory of the rules of the game, here’s a quick overview. Each team is composed of seven witches and wizards - on broomstick, of course. Three chasers try to throw the quaffle past a keeper into one of three ring-shaped goals, while two beaters try to hit them with bludgers and one seeker looks for the golden snitch - which, if caught, will award his or her team 150 points and end the game. (Takes a deep breath). Real life versions of quidditch (minus the broomsticks) are becoming popular all over the world, especially on college campuses. Stay tuned for the 2012 Olympics!

Brockian Ultra-Cricket - A parody of actual cricket, the rules for Brockian Ultra-Cricket, from Life, the Universe and Everything by Douglas Adams, go something like this (as presented in the book and borrowed from wikipedia):

Rule One: Grow at least three extra legs. You won’t need them, but it keeps the crowds amused.
Rule Two: Find one good Brockian Ultra-Cricket player and clone him off a few times. This saves an enormous amount of tedious selection and training.
Rule Three: Put your team and the opposing team in a large field and build a high wall round them. The reason for this is that, though the game is a major spectator sport, the frustration experienced by the audience at not actually being able to see what’s going on leads them to imagine that it’s a lot more exciting than it actually is. A crowd that has just watched a rather humdrum game experiences far less life-affirmation than a crowd that believes it has just missed the most dramatic event in sporting history.
Rule Four: Throw lots of assorted items of sporting equipment over the walls for the players. Anything will do — cricket bats, basecube bats, tennis guns, skis, anything you can get a good swing with.
Rule Five: The players should now lay about themselves for all they are worth with whatever they find to hand. Whenever a player scores a ‘hit’ on another player, he should immediately run away and apologize from a safe distance. Apologies should be concise, sincere and, for maximum clarity and points, delivered through a megaphone.
Rule Six: The winning team shall be the first team that wins.

Rollerball - Rollerball comes from the 1975 sci-fi film of the same name. It is an international, full contact sport designed not only as entertainment, but also as a way to kill off players in the overpopulated future. Two teams roller skate around a circular arena as they try to throw a softball-sized steel ball into a cone-shaped goal in the wall. Three motorcycles (which players can grab onto) are added just to create some extra excitement. Roller derby is a real life parallel without the violence.

Welcome to the Hairee Clinic for the Wolfishly Inclined.* The doctor will be in shortly. In the meantime, please feel free to review this pamphlet of frequently asked questions.

What is a werewolf?
First of all, here at the clinic we prefer the term “wolfishly inclined,” or the more technical lycanthrope, to the outdated “werewolf,” which has been shown to increase the risk of pitchfork wielding mobs in medical studies. A lycanthrope (literally “wolf-man”) is a human with the ability to shapeshift into a wolf or wolf-like creature. Rare cases of jaguar, rat, or bearish inclined variations have been documented.

Who were the first “wolfishly inclined” humans?
Reports of the wolfishly inclined date back to ancient Greece and the tale of Lycaon, who was transformed into a wolf by Zeus after attempting to serve human flesh to the gods. Lycanthropy gained popularity in the 12^th century with the publication of the poem “The Romance of William and the Werewolf,” which, contrary to later beliefs, presented the wolfishly inclined in a positive light.

Where did all of this fur come from? OR Why do I suddenly crave raw meat?
The easiest way to become wolfishly inclined is to inherit the condition genetically, from your parents or grandparents. Other less common routes of contraction include drinking water from a wolf’s footprint, a bite from another patient, being born on December 24^th, sleeping outside on Wednesday or Friday during summer with the moon shining on your face, being a seventh son, and dancing around naked with the fur of a wolf or a wolf skin belt.

What symptoms should I expect? OR Why am I attracted to round white objects?
Extreme restlessness or nausea usually precedes the transformation on nights with a full moon. While you are in wolf form, you may feel the urge to bite others or eat corpses. You will not have a tail, but will be otherwise indistinguishable from natural wolves. In the human phase of the condition, you may develop anxiety, weakness, depression, curved fingernails, low set ears, bristles under your tongue, a swinging stride, and eyebrows that meet at the bridge of your nose. Ask your doctor about WolfEez, a one-a-day pill that may help reduce all, some, or none of these symptoms.

What are my weaknesses?
First, the good news: unlike a vampire, you cannot be harmed by religious artifacts. A number of plants, on the other hand, may result in adverse effects, such as itching, rash, and death. These include wolfsbane, rye, mistletoe, and mountain ash. Silver and iron should be avoided at all costs.

Is there any way to cure my condition?
A few “cures” have been suggested through the ages, but none has been proven to work by rigorous peer-reviewed medical study. Exhaustion through physical exercise may alleviate some symptoms. Kneeling in one place for a hundred years holds promise. Being scolded or called three times by your Christian name has been known to result in complete remission in anecdotal cases.

How are we different from vampires?
In a number of ways. Traditionally, we have not been hated or feared to the same extent, because we do not usually intend harm to fellow humans. Sometimes we have fought as rivals with our fanged cousins. Burning of the wolfishly inclined may be indicated to prevent vampirism.

*We ask that you refrain from howling on the premise. All hairballs must be disposed of properly.